Invisible Son by Kim Johnson

Author:Kim Johnson [Johnson, Kim]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Children's Books
Published: 2023-06-27T00:00:00+00:00

April 30, 2020

There’s no wake for Grandpa. No collective mourning. Yet the house overflows with cards, flowers, and meals that leave painful reminders of loss. Each time the doorbell rings, someone scurries away, leaving more. And each time, I beg Grandma J to chase after them, tell them we don’t need any more.

“I’ve been in their place. They want to help,” she says to my questioning looks.

It’s only when the house is overflowing with stacks upon stacks that Grandma J doesn’t stop me from dumping things in the trash we’ll never eat. I have other reasons, though. Dad’s finally recovered, which means he’s coming home to bury Grandpa. And all that’s piled around us will be too jarring for him to take in at first.

My parents’ car pulls up in the driveway. They take their time, until Dad locks eyes with me and stands taller. With my parents gone, I’ve been helping Grandma J with a funeral checklist that includes collecting documents, the marriage certificate for Social Security, contacting health insurance, and choosing his casket. Things I’d rather be shielded of the responsibility for.

From across the grass Sierra watches my parents’ arrival. Since Grandpa’s passing, I haven’t stepped outside beyond going to the Parks & Rec, where I dip to the very bottom of the pool until my lungs feel like they’ll explode. Then I wait even longer, so the red blip of my ankle monitor goes dark and I’m unseen by the world.

I want to hold Grandpa in this life as long as possible. But the funeral is today, and with Dad back, so is reality.

I back in so Dad doesn’t catch us all staring at him at once. He knows why, even though no one will say how we feared we’d lose him, too.

There’s an awkward pause, as we figure out how we’ll approach social distance guidelines. “Is it okay to—”

Dad hugs me before I can finish. I feel the heaviness in every breath he takes. From being sick to reckoning with Grandpa gone. Healed yet broken.

“I’m proud of you, son,” Dad whispers in my ear.

A prickle of a tear forms, stinging. I cough to let it clear from me.

Since I’ve been back I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough. His greeting now, well, it’s how I wanted to feel when I returned from detention, without the loss.

Dad then wraps arms around Grandma J, and it makes her look so small next to him. There’s a silence that feels charged by the long wait for this reunion. It’s only broken when Grandma J takes a long breath that spins into a wail of sorrow and joy at the same time. I look away as Dad responds, “I know. I know. I know.”

When we take a seat, Mom leans into Dad, leaving me with tear-filled eyes. Mom carries the weight of so much loss and responsibility from nonstop hours at the hospital. The guilt of failing piles on because I can’t help ease her burdens.

After some time, our conversations shift to what we’re all here for.

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